Coming Home to Me
My journey from self-hate to self-awareness to self-worth.
About five years ago I had one of those reality shifting moments where I took a look around and saw myself surrounded by people whom I realized didn’t really know me. They didn’t know how I thought and felt about deeper subjects and what my interests were and I don't think they really cared to. What I realized was the reason for this is that I created a mask for every single person that I knew and came into contact with. Each and every person. I realized that I was tending to the needs of others by showing up as the version of me that they needed, instead of showing up as the person I needed. I was going home empty and exhausted, a hollow shell. Week after week, month after month, year after year. This was the hauntings of my past. Repeating patterns asking to be healed.
The origins of this definitely goes back to survival as a child. Growing up as a sensitive child in a drug and alcohol fueled and abusive home, I had to adapt. My very survival depended upon it. I witnessed and survived some horrific things and was told not to cry, and to “be strong” as many people are taught at a young age. When you grow up in an abusive home, you learn to do what you need to in order to not be “punished”. So, what that meant was appeasing others and looking out for others best interests over your own. The problem with this is, we are never really able to feel and show what we are feeling, who we are and be vulnerable with the people we love, so we hide, we pretend, we mask. Then we do this later on with friends, colleagues, our family, the world and unfortunately ourselves.
I needed to take all masks off and reveal the true me, unfiltered. It’s like my soul was pushing me to do this. It was the only way I could be comfortable in my own skin. The first step was a step back from everyone I surrounded myself with so I could see the big picture of what was me and what wasn’t. I needed a step back to breathe and to find myself; assessing past, present and future versions of myself. And in doing so, I gained a confidence that I don’t know if I would've ever found had I stayed in those same social circles and situations, with the same people. I not only gained confidence but something deeper. I was able to establish a true sense of self-worth that the child version of me would be proud of.
When I think of what I’ve lost versus what I’ve gained, I am wealthy beyond measure. Although I have moments of self-doubt, fear of judgment and imposter syndrome, those are far less than the good days. I’m aware of the thoughts when they arrive which shows tremendous growth. The good days consist of not giving a care in the world about what others not only think of me but also think in general. I could care less about someone's political thoughts, feelings about race or religion. I know what I believe and I know what I stand for and judging them isn’t doing any good; that would be recreating what I experienced as a child. I can show up anywhere and know that others' approval doesn’t change how I feel about myself. Most importantly, I’ve come to a place in understanding that everyone is on their own path, taking their own journey to learn whatever it is they are meant to learn on this Earth, even my parents.. And in knowing that, I can do the same.
